Dictionary of Common LinkedIn Symptoms: Are you suffering from these conditions?

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A-Z Medical Dictionary of LinkedIn Problems by Doctor David Petherick

Common Complaints and Disorders affecting LinkedIn Users

Having a healthy LinkedIn Profile, Network and enjoying business success as a result does not come easily. There are always lots of issues to overcome.

So to help you if you may be suffering in some way with LinkedIn, I, with help from some of my learned colleagues, compiled a short 'Little Blue LinkedIn Medical Dictionary' with some advice and links for self-treatment.

#thedoctorisin #linkedindictionary #educatenotmedicate

Disclaimer: I am not a Medical Doctor, and I am not employed by or affiliated with LinkedIn Corporation. However I've been helping people be more visible legible and credible on LinkedIn since 2006. I also have a PhD in Business Counselling. 


A is for Anxiety

Don't be anxious. Building a network or improving your profile takes time and patience. Relax, and do it one step at a time. Try reading the Doctor's 30 Tips in 30 Days.


B is for Block

Writer's block. How do you sit down and start to write your profile summary or to describe a new role? Try reading Doctor's Note 1/30.


C is for Connection Dysfunction

Your network of connections on LinkedIn can only grow in one of two ways: People connecting to you, or you connecting to other people.

As it happens, both are very good ways to grow your connections, but related symptoms such as Profile Performance Failure and Fotophobia can seriously affect your performance.

A simple way to connect to someone you find interesting is to tell them what about them interests you with a short note when asking them to connect.

The related Click to Connect Syndrome is a nasty habitual activity that often leads to confusion for the patient and the intended connection - neither knows why they want to be connected or they forget the reason for making a connection request.

A simple way to attract new connections is to say 'I welcome new connections' on your profile. Having a good profile photograph which is visible to non-connections, and a complete profile that tells an interesting story about you help immeasurably with this.


D is for Dysfunction

Some of the most common types of Dysfunction are Profile Performance Dysfunction and Connection Dysfunction (also related to the chronic condition Connection Recall Failure).

Profile Performance Dysfunction is a complex problem, but one that can be treated quickly and effectively with a short and painless LinkedIn Profile Surgery that can be completed within 60 minutes and can be undertaken remotely anywhere in the world by phone or skype.

Connection Dysfunction occurs when you are unable to grow your network of connections, or connect randomly to strangers for no apparent reason. Patients often display confusion when presented with evidence of never personalising connection requests, failing to actually start with a connection strategy, or incorrect use of the LinkedIn search function.


E is for Erectile Dysfunction and Experience Anemia

No, we're not talking about sexual dysfunction. Stop tittering at the back. Erectile Dysfunction is a failure in the overall structure of your profile - does it stand up to scrutiny - does it answer all the unanswered questions for someone who does not know you? Is it complete and informative, or loose, patchy and lacking in detail?

Experience Anemia, as famously described by Dr Jeff Young is the condition of having no relevant details to explain any part of your past experience, or of using incomprehensible language to describe your or your organisation's activities.


F is for Fotophobia

See also PicaphobiaTry reading Doctor's Note 5/30.


G is for Gruntaphyllia

This unpleasant behavioural aberration is unpleasant to see, and often consist of a ranting or angry complaint about poor service, or some aspect of deficient character or political failure. The sufferers are often unaware that they may be exposing their networks to contracting Unfollow Clickitis or Vapidus Disconnectus.


H is for Hyper-firm-ia

This is a potentially deadly condition which turns your clients cold due to excessive sharing of updates on your company (firm!). The profession is grateful to Dr Robin Tait for his extensive research in this field.

H is also for Headline Migraine. As described by Dr Sid Clark, this describes the painful inability to craft a headline that contains more than your job title and employer's name.

The headline on a profile can be up to 122 characters in length, and can be used to insert a 'positioning statement' that describes your expertise, area of work and unique value proposition.


I is for Interaction Chromosome

Lack of interaction on LinkedIn can lead to a number of other conditions becoming apparent, and in chronic cases can cause Wasted Effort Syndrome. Simple and painless treatment is usually carried out with counselling and a course of regular Intravenous Updates.


J is for Jumped-Up Crapweasel Syndrome

Also known as Aggravated Aggrandisement by Dr Chris Morton, this delusional behaviour is often visible with profiles of juvenile or less mentally developed patients who believe that hugely inflating their worth or position within an organisation is likely to lead to actually having such a status, or being recognised by superiors.

Excessive use of cliched adjectives, power verbs and heavy abuse of Managementspeak are often symptoms of early onset, and those seeking new roles outwith their current organisation are often prone to this condition.


K is for Keyworditis

Keyworditis describes the either the unfortunate lack of relevant keywords in a profile, use of incorrect or mis-spelled keywords, or the chronic proliferation of keywords which make a profile unreadable. As described by Dr Debbie Wemyss.


L is for Like Disease

This is an obsessive-compulsive behaviour that can be triggered by delusional beliefs that your network actually understands why you have liked something. Treatment can be as simple as an injection of AVCJ, or Added-Value Comment Juice.

Related to this, liking numerous updates in a short period of time often results in Unfollow Clickitis or Vapidus Disconnectus.


M is for Me

You're not going to engage people if you just talk about yourself all the time. That's a direct quote from Doctor David Petherick


N is for No

It's OK to refuse to connect to people if they have not personalised their connection request, or they appear to have a suspicious or inauthentic public profile.


O is for Optimisation

Your profile can always be improved, and an outside observer is often best placed to see such opportunities. Doctors recommend that LinkedIn users regulary ask peers for feedback as to how their profile or activity is being perceived.

Professional help is available and there is a free, confidential ten-minute evaluation service provided by Doctor LinkedIn delivered by phone or skype at https://mzs.es/free


P is for Picaphobia and Profile Performance Failure

Picaphobia, also known as Fotophobia is where the patient is unwilling to upload a photograph of themselves, or uploads a photo but does not ensure that it is publicly visible. Try reading Doctor's Note 5/30.

Symptoms typically include neglect by other LinkedIn users and Profile Performance Failure which results from inadequate preparation of a profile with loose, flaky details added and poor attention to spelling or structure.


Q is for Quietitude

This is a beneficial condition that results from ceasing activity on LinkedIn after achieving a targeted set of activities. It is extremely beneficial to one's network connections. Those unable to be quiet often subsequently suffer from Unfollow Clickitis or Vapidus Disconnectus.


R is for Repetitious

This is annoying. This is very annoying. This is extremely annoying. This angers people. This really gets people's goats.


S is for Status Stasus

You don't have to update your profile every week, but it is recommended that you have a health-check every two to three months. If there are new projects or achievements to talk about, these can be added to your profile. You may find a way of expressing an idea more concisely.

Waiting four months to announce that you have changed jobs can be problematic for your network. Remembering to put past positions into the past tense can also benefit those reading your profile.

  • A related but almost medically opposite issue is Notifactions Fatigue caused by leaving notifications to your network switched on while making multiple small and insignifcant changes to a profile. See Doctor's Note 29/30.


T is for Total Boremania

See Yvve-Laskovsky Syndrome for a fuller description of this compulsive-obsessive behaviour.


U is for Underactive Comment Syndrome and Unfollow Clickitis

Underactive Comment Syndrome is the failure to add useful or constructive comments to others' updates. It is strongly related to Non-Like Disease. Both are usually due to a missing gene in the Interaction Chromosome as described by Dr Robin Tait, but this can be treated successfully with psychological counselling and advice.

Unfollow Clickitis is the condition where LinkedIn connections will request that LinkedIn stops notifying them of updates from a connection due to the repetitive, tedious or trivial nature of their Shares or Updates.


V is for Vapidus Disconnectus

This is a serious condition that can be triggered by repeated sharing or liking on LinkedIn of what the medical profession colloquially calls 'crap'. Connections will grow tired of receiving unwelcome updates, and will disconnect from the sufferer completely. A milder, but still serious condition is the related Unfollow Clickitis described above.


W is for Wasted Effort Syndrome

Those with deficient Interaction Chromosomes are often prone to this disease, where an irrational expectation of business connections and leads being generated through total inaction occurs. Treatment is simple, with Update and Sharing Therapy now recognised as the most effective treatments.


X is for Xenophotia

This is synonymous with Fotophobia and Picaphobia.


Y is for Yvve-Laskovsky Syndrome

Although recent breakthroughs in treatment have taken place since the pioneering work of Laskovsky et al., this condition is a serious one, and is exemplified by narcissistic behaviour, typically with a monomaniac sharing of self-referential material.

Typical symptoms include photos in front of expensive vehicles or in opulent surroundings, images featuring minor celebrities or politicians, drunken people in evening dress at awards ceremonies, or attendees at rubber chicken dinners clutching ugly trophies.


Z is for Zoomquotus Blabbia

This affliction, where repeated motivational quotes and phrases, often framed within graphics of questionable aesthetic value are shared, is highly contagious. It is known to cause network connections to suffer from Unfollow Clickitis and even Vapidus Disconnectus.


Are you suffering from any of these symptoms?
Don't suffer in silence...

A free, confidential 10-minute medical consultation is available from Doctor David Petherick on request. Confidential phone, zoom or Skype appointments can be made with the Doctor at mzs.es/free

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